I deal with my infertility in waves. Sometimes I feel like I’ve totally accepted the fact that I can’t have kids, and other times I am either mad or sad, or a combination of those two. A month or so ago, I went through a rough patch where I was mad, and felt like it was so unfair that I’ve never been able to get pregnant. And I kept wondering, why does everyone else get pregnant as soon as they want to? Why does everyone else get exactly what they want, when they want it?
I’ve had to wait for EVERYTHING. I waited till I was 28 to get married, which in Utah is waiting a long time. It was hard to see my younger brother and younger sister get married before me. It was hard to go to all my friend’s weddings and wonder if I’d ever have that chance. Then I got married, and we had to wait over four years, and have multiple failed fertility treatments, before we got Dimitri. It was hard to see so many people get pregnant who started trying after us. It’s hard that friends who are my age have nine and ten year old kids. Now, Dimitri is two and it seems like all we can do is wait and wait and hope that someday he’ll have a sibling. And it feels unfair that other people I know with a two-year old are pregnant with the next baby, or have a newborn. It seemed like everyone else was getting what they wanted, and I was the only one who wasn’t. Of course I know that’s not true, but it felt true at the time. It felt really unfair.
Luckily, I read something that helped me out of my rough patch. In the April General Conference of this year, Elder Dale G. Renlund said,
“If life were truly fair, you and I would never be resurrected; you and I would never be able to stand clean before God. In this respect, I am grateful that life is not fair.
“At the same time, I can emphatically state that because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, ultimately, in the eternal scheme of things, there will be no unfairness. “All that is unfair about life can be made right.”14 Our present circumstances may not change, but through God’s compassion, kindness, and love, we will all receive more than we deserve, more than we can ever earn, and more than we can ever hope for.”
When I’m thinking a little more clearly, I know that everyone has hard times. Everyone has struggles, and everyone wishes things could be different. I remember hearing a saying that goes something like, If we all threw our problems into a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d pick ours back up in a hurry.
So, I guess I really am glad that life isn’t fair.